On "The System"

At a very deep level, I feel a great resentment of "the system"; I am angry and perhaps even going so far as hating it. It all seems like a bunch of irrelevant bullshit to me.

I suppose that I need to keep in mind that it's ultimately just the means to an end, and that it is up to me to chose that end, and indeed the details of the means for that matter.

I haven't accepted it; I haven't accepted that I "need" to work within the system, even as I know that I already am, and resenting myself because of my half-assed efforts. I can't even honestly say I work; I feel that I'm just mooching off my current employer. I don't deserve any of what I have.

This is the sort of thing I knew would happen to me when Crystal left; I woke up tense, jittery and ill at ease. I slept but did not rest. I no longer have that anchor to steady this out.. nothing that is unassailably good that I can use as a point of return... I no longer feel like I belong. I am here for the wrong reasons.

I am here for the money. But I'm not doing a good job of it; I have nothing to show for my efforts, and I won't at this current rate. Yup, one failure. I am here because I am too lazy to make the effort to change things. I am here because I am afraid; afraid to risk it all and fail horribly.. and perhaps gain greatly. I am here because I am .. ill; physically certainly, perhaps mentally as well. Who can ever tell any more. This mess is all my fault, and I have to sort it out for myself.

I never quite understood what I meant when I said I wanted to leave it all behind, and indeed why I didn't -- I had nothing better to go to. I knew that even with someone else, it would still be the same system; albeit with a good reason to participate within.

My house is no longer a home; it is... still; empty. That silence was buzzing in my ears as I started awake. So unnaturally quiet. Not even the sound of her breathing. I hope I don't close myself off, but I already am going numb to compensate for losing myself again.

I am here for the money, the money I need to pay for my house. But it is not my home; my home is now 180 miles south of here, in a small dorm room in Florida International University. I can't take care of here from here; and there is nobody to take care of me either. Why, then, do I stay away from home? What am I accomplishing for this price?

...how pathetic this is.

Before she left, we exchanged promises. Fulfilling those promises.. is my purpose now. And dream of new promises to enjoy. And to do that, I need to participate within the system; but I do get to define a part of it for myself; the hows, whats, and whys.

I know I would be happier if my work kept me in contact with many people; if I had a sense of.. well, making a difference. But I also realize I'm loathe to rock my boat because of my financial commitments. And while I can change them, I'm afraid to. But the funny thing is.. I think what I am afraid of is being wrong, and ruining something that ultimately turns out to be good. But that is the risk I have to take.

No, I'm also fearing the disappointment and letting down the people I work for, that have been quite good to me. They do depend a lot on me, and I know I'll be hurting them by leaving. But I know I have to, even if I don't change professions. And there won't be any going back.

Geez, this blog has turned into a whine-fest. But it's my therapy, and how I get my thoughts organized so I can act upon them. I'll write something considerably more positive soon.

And why hasn't Georgia Tech sent me my transcripts yet? I'm getting pissed at 'em!

Comments