The speed of life

I'm always struggling with my impatience to speed things up, to hurry through something to get it out of the way so I can do something else, such as resting. But it never really works out that way, leaving me feeling rather empty and unfulfilled, with no real sense of accomplishment or attachment to what was done.

The amount of time and effort I invest in something is usually directly proportional to its value. It's through the very act of doing, be it creating or perhaps simply the work itself.. that something gains meaning.

Speeding up this creation means that it holds less meaning, leaving me feeling restless and wanting more to satisfy my craving for substance. As things speed up further, it worsens, needing ever more things to begin to approach the old baseline, seemingly working harder than ever but getting nowhere. As I spend less time on any one particular thing, I go less into depth, no longer fully engaging myself. That depth is what gives me significance.

I've been giving a lot of thought to how I can bring myself some significance, and thus some inner peace. It's all fine to say things like "think in different patterns" but actually translating that into actions (or thoughts) is considerably hairier.

Boredom is a terrible thing -- the worst being the feeling that I am wasting my time, because I cannot rest or let go of that need for substance, the need for feeling that I cannot provide for myself.

Perhaps I need to do fewer things, but in more depth. Perhaps I need to immerse myself more fully in the world, more fully embracing the moments, holding nothing of myself back.

But I must be responsible as well, mindful of the consequences.

Pain is a curious monster, and an inevitable one. Without it, nothing of merit would ever be accomplished. The very act of creation involves considerable pain.. and indeed simply staying alive as well. I do not feel that pain can end without taking life with it. All we can ever hope to do.. is to make the pain worth it; drowning it out with joys; joys which too require more pain to bring out.

Is pain something to be minimized, or even avoided altogether? To do so would be to lessen everything else in life.. futilely, because the pain would still not end... and the numbness filters out the joys as well.

And a life without joy.. is not a life worth living.