[diaryland] swan diving

I want to take a swan-dive off of a building.

*sigh* Nobody seems to understand why.

Problem is there isn't anything tall enough around here. And I don't particularly care for the splat at the bottom.

so.. why?

The last couple of days I've been driving very aggressively, tires squealing as I go around an overpass at 35 over... but no matter how much I push it, it isn't going to be enough. Because I have self-preservation instincts. Any faster, I'll lose control, plow through the side barriers, and make a nice dent in the pavement some 30 yards below.

I want to dive off of a building because.. it's symbolic. But more than that, it's something I'd be terrified to do.. but once I do it.. there's no turning back. Nothing I can do will stop me, and I may as well enjoy the ride.

I want to throw all control to the wind, and let it through my hair as I fall, keep falling..

I'm reliving my past because the present is lacking. Old emotions, highs and lows, tears and joy. I see where I am going now and I don't like it.

I want someone I can trust to catch me *when* I fall. Because trusting myself to catch me means that I haven't completely let go.

I almost reached this point last night.. I could consciously feel myself slipping away, almost falling out of my body. But I didn't. And I slept very poorly.

"Make yourself known and others will find you."

*shakes head and sighs* And give them the power to destroy you with a word. Is that what love really is? Or foolishness? It hit me, a day or two ago, that there was (is?) one person who did reach that level with me.

Nothing else has come close since. And I remain in my memories. Struggling to find myself again and get on with life.

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